I've been sitting on this in my drafts for about a month not knowing if I should post it but I have built up the courage to do so as this is my first time officially opening up about this personal topic publically I just wanted to say that this is a teeny bit scary for me to post and I hope you are open to little judgment.
Alright, so I was never one of those kids who "knew from the beginning" that I was not straight. I knew I liked boys, so that must have meant that I was straight right? Wrong.
I, a confused elementary school kid also knew I was attracted to girls, but I only had crushes on boys thus far so therefore in my 8 yr old mind thought I was "straight."
So let me start from the beginning...
The LGBTQ+ was hardly talked about when I was little, keep in mind that was back in the early 2000's. I had first heard the word "lesbian" when one of my peers said I was one, but I wasn't offended because truthfully I had no idea what that word meant... It is funny because my peer said "you're a lesbian" but because I was unsure of this new word being added to my vocabulary I thought the world was "Alesbian" So I asked my mum what "alesbian" was because I did not know, and she told me and that pretty much sparked my interest. (I was not a woke 8 yr old get off my back)
I knew a man and a man could be together, but lesbian representation in young Taylor's life was non-existent until that day. So I went to good old Google, and searched and realised it was "lesbian" and laughed my myself for being misinterpreting it and found myself being very intrigued by this idea. I kind of obsessed about it for a little bit but did not speak to anybody about it ever.
I fought with myself back and forth for years, every so often ask myself if as a lesbian, but I liked boys so I couldn't be...
My self-acceptance journey had been repressed for about 10 years than one summer day when I was 19 yrs old, a few days away from my twentieth birthday, it just hit me like a wave. I stopped dead in my tracks and asked myself "am I bisexual?" and I knew the answer which scared the HELL out of me, I almost had a panic attack so I repressed the idea, the idea of being a minority, the idea of seeing myself in a different light after 20 years of just getting comfy with the self I was, the idea of coming out, the idea of wanting to accept this cloud that has been hovering over me since I was a small child.
What triggered this thought process what this musician I am a big fan of, you probably know of her, Halsey. I know many people have their opinions about her but personally, I love her. I discovered her about 2 1/2 years ago and thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen in my entire life, I was in awe of her beauty, not to be cheesy but that was my genuine reaction.
So after a few months of thinking about it for a split second every day and repressing the thought over and over again, I had enough of stalling. I finally asked myself if I would be cool dating a girl and the answer was yes, I already knew I was sexually attracted to women, I've known for years, I was apprehensive about knowing whether or not if I would ever be romantically attracted to women, but it turns out I'm pretty sure the answer is yes.
I did my research about bisexuality and began to feel a bit more comfortable about the idea as each day passes. Even 2 yrs later I am still coming to terms with myself, some days I forget completely then I'm like "oh yea, that's a thing I am."
Looking back at my past crushes I have come to the realisation, that there was this one girl that I did have a crush on in Gr.8 but I thought at the time I just really wanted to be her friend, lol.
Currently, I am out to a few of my close friends and that is it. Even though I know my parents will be 100% supportive it is still terrifying to tell them, just because I don't ever talk to them about my "love" life... if you can even classify it as that. Also the fact that to my knowledge I am the only LGBTQ+ peep in my immediate and extended family so that is also a bit nervewracking... Personally, my feelings and attractions come in waves, one day I'll be crushing on a dude than halfway through the day it will switch randomly then I will be starting thinking about girls instead and I do not have any control over it, and I don't mind. It's like one day I'll think I want a boyfriend, the next I'll want a girlfriend, then the next day I won't want any type of relationship. It is a vicious cycle that never will end. If I am ever with a man it will not change the fact that I am still attracted to women, and if I am with a woman it will not change the fact that I am still attracted to men. I know I am not confused, in fact, I am now less confused about my sexuality than ever before. The lack of bisexual representation in my life really didn't help my road to self-discovery, but I can't blame anyone because of the timeframe in which I have grown up in. And looking back on my past it makes so much sense that I am Bi, it is like a lightbulb went off when I finally came to terms with myself.
I am really conflicted sometimes because at times I could care less if I came out to anyone, but other times I just want to be out to everyone but as I write this it is the latter.
I am extremely bad at wrapping up and writing conclusions, but I am attempting to do so right now. Basically, I am a bisexual woman wanting to just be happy and content with who I am and who I can become.
Taylor xx.
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