They always say
"College/University is where you go to find yourself." Well I am
pretty much finished those 4 years and I feel as though I am as lost as I have
ever been. I thought I knew what I wanted going into post secondary, however I
am coming out more confused than ever. I have no clue what I want for my future
and it is terrifying.
One of the reasons I have
created this blog is to see if it can lead me anywhere… whether it know what I
want as a career or just a place for me to collectively sort out my thoughts
and be creative.
Going into post secondary is
not how it use to be... jobs are not readily available for us anymore. The day
you graduate you don't get to start working the next day in what you studied...
it just isn't the case anymore, even though that is still how most of us think.
There are so many kids in
thousands of dollars of student debt and cannot get a job in their field of
study that pays enough to get out of the debt that they are in.
Personally I am so scared about
my future because I know I am not ready for the "real world" yet, but
I am being tossed into it whether I like it or not.
I noticed once you hit 18/19
years old everyone is suddenly asking you
"What do you want to do
for a career?"
"Do you know what you
want to do when you're done?"
And all you want to scream at
everyone is "NO." I have not a clue what I want, I was tossed
into school having no clue what I was doing, seeing as though I was the first
person in my family to go to University, and I am so lost not only in what
career path I want but who I am.
Not to put all the blame of the
sate of my mental health on the stress of university but it is pretty much the
sole factor that triggered my panic attacks and anxiety.
Some how in my senior year of
high school I got my grades up to be accepted into university, but it was ever
harder to keep it there once you are in. Your grades drop instantly because
high school does not prepare you for shit. (Excuse my language.)
Not many people know this about me because I was/am so ashamed and embarrassed, but I was put on academic
probation in my second year of school. I had to have at least a 60% average or
else I would be kicked out. I know 60% is not a high average to keep, however
for myself being a student with a low C level average my whole academic career, this
was the most low I had felt in a while. The constant reminder that thinking you
are stupid your whole life really can get to you. so many thoughts flooded my mind,
"I do not deserve to be here,"
"I was wasting everyone’s time,"
"I was wasting so
much money,"
"I am too stupid to be here,"
I am not deserving of this... "
These
toxic thoughts that flooded my mind, and it still consumes my mind now can be very damaging to a persons self-esteem.
It is frustrating not being in
control of your life, I am sure most of you can relate. It is a learning process, however it is a very slow one and can be very frustrating, and even though I have got through it I still feel like there is so much that I need to learn about myself and so much that I still don't know. Once I do discover who I am, then hopefully that is when I will rediscover my passions.
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